Need some Advice

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IrishAngel58x

Need some Advice

Post by IrishAngel58x » Sun May 09, 2004 7:42 pm

[quote][/quote] %^&

Please help me, I am afraid of my husbands temper I try to talk to him butI always say something that makes him blow up. Right now I have a very difficult problem. I am in charge of our finances and I have made a mess of it. I have all these bills that I cannot pay and it is ruining our credit. I have been trying to dig out of a big hole for a long time. He has retired and recieves a pension and I am afraid he will find out all these bills I have that he thinks were paid but the money was not there. He doesn't realize what I go thru every month. Right now I only have 97 dollars for the rest of the month and it will not be enough. I have no food in the house and my daughter is having a baby in two days. More expense. Her and her boyfriend have moved in because he did not have a job and she was very sick for a long time. Then my son moved back home. Our area is really hard to keep a job right now. I know they would help me if they could. My husband is a wonderful man in alot of ways and we have been married for 21 years but he has always had this temper and it has created a lot of problems. He isn't physical but he can be mentaly abusive at times. I just can't tell him all the problems I am having right now. I lie to him all the time when he ask me if bills are paid because I don't want the look and the screaming. Then he takes it out on the kids and makes their life as miserable as mine. I have prayed to not wake up in the morning so I don't have to tell him about this stuff. I would need about 3000 to get out of this hole I am in and we are in a house that is about falling down around our ears. I don't have the money to make improvements and he is getting so upset. Not to mention that he hasn't had feelings for me in any way physical for the past 8 years.
I think that is a record. He does feel bad about it and has even went to the doctor but they said that they did not find any physical reason for his problems. We don't even sleep together anymore because I have a very large dog that has pushed me out of the bed. I sleep in another roon on a mattress on the floor. I have no closet and no dresser. I have a large room that can be a beautiful bedroom but no money to finish it. I have not had a bedroom set for 21 years. I know this is long but I am really reaching for help. I am scared and don't know what to do. How do I tell him about the money problems???? I cannot face him and I don't want to live in this house when he finds out. I spend all the money on bills I don't spend money on anything stupid or personel. someone please,
right now I am going without paying electric and gas and am afraid of getting a disconnect notice. I want to work but I have an illness that keeps me from having a job and I don't have enough credit hours for disability. I could go on for a long time but I will go and for anyone who is brave enough to read all this that some desperate women wrote. I thank you for reading and appreciate it . IrishAngel

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Mauveduh
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Post by Mauveduh » Sun May 09, 2004 10:57 pm

Welcome to the forum IrishAngel. I can feel your desperation. I know what it’s like to live with someone with that kind of temper and the feeling of having to walk on eggshells. I also know about the side of them being a great person when they are not in that mode. The bottom line is that it’s really not fair or healthy to have to live like that and your comment about always saying something that makes your husband blow up indicates that you are feeling like you are to blame for that. That is very common when living in that situation but the truth is there would always be something to trigger the outbursts. We are all responsible for how we react to situations.

But I know that you need support and probably don’t want to deal with the unfairness of that situation at this point. Feel free to vent here any time so you don’t have to go through it alone. The problem probably seems so big that you can’t see solutions right now so my best advice would be to TRY to step back and really look for small steps to take, and just take them one at a time. Take the first step and it will lead to the next.

Do your kids know your situation and how you are feeling? Even if jobs are difficult to find, you have 2 people there that seem to be able to do something to help and are at least able to work. They are contributing to the problem since you are having to buy food and pay their living expenses. Sometimes we make comments to others but they don’t always “get it”, or understand the gravity of the situation or what they can do to help. I’m just brainstorming since you asked for advice so I will throw out some random actions.

Could you sit down with your son and your daughter’s husband and have a serious talk with them, in a calm and direct way and ask them for help. Your attitude will show them you are seriously trying to find a solution. You said that they don’t have jobs. Hopefully they are out there every day looking for ways to contribute. But at home, couldn’t they help fix the house that needs repairs? There are many repairs and improvements that can be done without money. You would probably have to make a list and ask them to handle specific tasks when you present the plan. That may make your husband feel a little better also. I have to wonder why everything is up to you. Can your husband also help with the repairs?

Can you call the utility companies and ask if they can work with you on your situation? Sometimes you can work out a payment plan and also get a reduction on your bill if you are below a certain income. If you have credit card debt, there are nonprofit organizations that will help you consolidate to lower your payments. Be proactive and don’t wait for the situation to unfold on its own. Are there any support agencies in your area that can offer assistance or advice? It seems that your daughter may be in a situation that would allow her to get some kind of public assistance temporarily. Do some research online for options. You may also find some financial counseling to work out a plan.

It’s easy to get caught up in your problems and be paralyzed with fear but that won’t get you out of your situation. You need a plan. If you can negotiate a little time by facing the problems and asking for what you need, you can focus on developing a plan of action.

The hardest part looks like it will be having to face your husband and tell him the situation. I don’t know if that can be avoided unless you are thinking of leaving. But if you have taken some steps to take control and show that you are working toward a solution, you will not be as convenient a target for his wrath. The more you get control of your life, the less you will feel like you have to endure and embrace someone else’s problems.

PS. You say that you can’t work. There may be some things that you could do, such as work online in some capacity.

Hang in there IrishAngel. If you would like to share more, please do, and let us know how things are progressing.
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Post by Armande » Mon May 10, 2004 12:23 am

I agree with Mauveduh that you have taken on too much of the responsibility. Your husband is partly to blame for what happened. It is fine and dandy to make someone else responsible for paying the bills but he must have a notion of what comes in and what goes out. Blissful ignorance makes no sense at all.
And then your kids, you should not have allowed them to live of you when you cannot afford it. Of course that is not what a mother wants to do but you have no choice.

I'm afraid that there is no way to avoid a big bang. This has to come out into the open and it's better if you do it yourself than let it happen. Don't buy into the notion that this is all your fault. Probably your only fault is that you wanted to spare the other family members. But you tried with all your might, and you didn't succeed. The others didn't even try.

Goodluck with everything. If you can turn this around it should be solvable. But every familymember has to chip and carry some of the responsibility. Except maybe the baby... ;-)
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Post by webwriter » Mon May 10, 2004 3:35 am

I sympathize with all of your problems and share the same hassle with the utility bills, which are rather high anyway. And I, too, am often short of money to pay them all in full. So what I do is call the utility company and explain my situation, as well as offer to put a little down on the balance. Payment plans don't work for me because I don't get a regular salary every month, or benefits either.

So what usually happens is that the utility company asks me how much I can pay and when I can send the payment. You would be surprised with the results. I know, it is hard to pick up the phone and call them. But doing that is so much better than having the bills pile up and the expenses mount simply because there is very little money, or perhaps none at all. You also benefit because you wind up with a smaller balance.

Good luck to you!

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Post by altyfc » Mon May 10, 2004 6:14 am

There's some great advice here. I wish you the best of luck in getting your situation resolved as quickly as you can.

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Post by maico886 » Tue May 11, 2004 4:32 pm

This sounds like a variation on a popular internet scam.

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Post by Mauveduh » Tue May 11, 2004 6:09 pm

Ahhh, really? Have you seen this post before? Are they trying to get donations?

Well, they just got our 2 cents and not a penny more. :-)
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Post by webwriter » Wed May 12, 2004 3:58 am

Not even a wooden nickel! Hahahahahaha.

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Post by altyfc » Wed May 12, 2004 5:54 am

I thought that at first but, if true, you'd expect to find the same post (or at least parts of the post) 'ad verbatim' elsewhere. Using Google's 'search as a phrase' featured (ie quotation marks around phrases), I'm not finding the text to be common anywhere else on the web.

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CHICAGOMAN68
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Yeah sounds to me its a scam from the start

Post by CHICAGOMAN68 » Wed May 12, 2004 10:23 am

yeah I seen this two as a scam take for instance the girl that supposedly had cancer their parent faked it and said they needed 10,000 dollars for her operation, but people sent them the money!! As pt barnum says their is a sucker born every minute but then again he cant say that no more he is dead :) for your sake though I hope it isnt true !! but I guess I am no better I am going to throw my money away in Vegas May18th-24th Rio and Bellagio here I come !!! So when I come back I want you all to contribute to the Chicagoman fund for gamblers from chicago!! :) HEY SISTA CAN I GET A DOLLA wash your windows for food brother can you spare a dime!!


Blackjack chicagoman

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Post by webwriter » Wed May 12, 2004 3:18 pm

We'll have to think about it. Can you tell us what's in it for us, such as what do we get in return for our money???? Don't even bother replying if your answer is "nothing."

Guest

well lets see

Post by Guest » Wed May 12, 2004 4:09 pm

Ok how about this one for sizze you can meet me in Vegas and stay at the rio from may 18th-19th and if your female you get a baby oil massagey from yours truly :) then you can ride in my rented convertaable and play in Vegas to may 24th!! :)

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Post by webwriter » Wed May 12, 2004 4:46 pm

Hmmmmm, thinking ... thinking.

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Mauveduh
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Post by Mauveduh » Wed May 12, 2004 11:53 pm

webwriter,

Vegas is a fun place. Maybe you should go for it. You can take my cold shower smiley to use if he gets out of hand. :-)

As far as this thread being a scam, nothing was asked for except advice, so we may never know. Maybe we will hear back and hopefully she is doing ok. It's too bad that we even have to question whether posts are real when people could really be in need for help, but it's hard to know at first. Being anonymous has its advantages as well as disadvantages.
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Post by webwriter » Thu May 13, 2004 5:32 am

I wish I could .... sigh. It would be nice to visit a different place for a change, instead of all the usual places such as the supermarket and bank. Maybe someday, and I am sure that the smiley will come in handy.

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